Discover the path at Hestia's Hearth presents

A Survivor's Series

Stories of extraordinary events lived by ordinary women.

Star is a mature, single, adult. Although monotheistic, she feel herself to be a Soul-conscious spiritual being. She is a professional practitioner and a life student. Most of her life she has lived in a suburban environment in her family home.

Culturally, Star is Canadian, but her parents are of European descent. Her non-traditional deeply religious, Italian parents strongly influenced her in many ways.

In particular, her childhood introduction to food included such subtleties as types of wines, blending of tomatoes, food preparation and presentation of meals.

Star personally describes herself as indecisive but diplomatic, self critical, and uncomfortable with praise. She has a love of sports. This includes cycling, soccer, walking and running. She finds these activities fulfilling. ‘I enjoy the endorphin release’ she explains. To balance the high power energy of sports she meditates and hopes at some time to attain a similar high from meditation that is as satisfying as her physical activity.

During my earliest years, I remember being in my crib and wanting to be held by my mother. She was too busy, too many things to do, not enough time to be nurturing. This action affected me deeply and had a great bearing on the way I sought comfort or reacted socially.

In my preteen years, I found myself mostly in the company of boys. I identified with them, and felt comfortable with them. Besides that, I was able to actively pursue all of the physical sports activities that I enjoyed, with them. There was a lot of criticism about my behaviour and way of dressing during those years. This led to me being consumed by other people’s thoughts about me. In return, I was pushy and bossy and definitely in conflict with the female aspect of my life.

As I approached puberty, I became curious about the feminine in me. I began to spend more time with my older sister and her friends. At that point in my life things began to change. More and more, I had a sense of being different. That time in my life had a dream-like quality. I don’t know exactly when or how, but I began to retreat. I do know that I hated puberty, my menarche, and my developing femininity. By the time I entered High school, I fell into a ‘winter’ type of hibernation that seemed to last throughout the entire years of secondary school.

I had food issues all through those years. It didn’t seem like a problem. I had looked like a normal full bodied child. I did have problems digesting food for as long as I can remember. There was pain whenever I ate certain foods. After eating hamburgers at a fast food restaurant I would feel bloated and fat. I just got very careful about what I ate and when.

For some reason towards the end of high school, I got into an intimate 18- month relationship with a female friend. When it ended badly, I had a poor response initially. I went into an enforced period of celibacy that has lasted to this day.

Because of my history of pain with food and some experimenting with different diets, I became a vegetarian and felt better overall about what I was eating. After the break-up, eating ‘right’ became an obsession. I did not feel good about myself or my body and self–esteem issues haunted me all the time. I wanted a sleek look and worked towards that end, eating less and less everyday until I achieved the control I wanted over food.

Emotionally, I did retreat even more into myself, but it was an opportunity that led to a spiritual revelation, and deep study on the meaning of life.

As I entered university, more and more of my life became consumed with running and sports. I had no real sense of a problem, although I was probably in deep denial. Eventually, I remember standing at the bus stop one day and I had to rub my eye. The next day, I had a black circle around that eye. It was then that I began to recognize how fragile and sensitive my skin was and how ill my body was generally. At around the same time, I was confronted by one of my teachers, who saw the state of my body and forced me to really look at myself. At 5’ 51\2” I weighed only 92 lbs.

A severe psycho-physiologic eating disorder, usually seen in girls and young women, in which the person does not lack appetite, as the label would indicate but is psychologically unable to eat and refuses food becoming extremely emaciated; a form of self starvation.

1. How do you feel about the events that shaped your life?
(Karmic, extraordinary, predestined, accidental)

2. Do you feel that your story has some extraordinary quality? If so, what would that be?

3. If no, in what context would you place your life story?

4. What is your most vivid or defining moment?

In my recovery, each bit of food that I had to take in and process was so painful to my digestive system.

5. Was there a point in your story when you consciously felt that no matter how difficult you would survive?

6. At your lowest point, what thoughts were the most disturbing?

7. How did the events/changes in your life most affect you?

8. What are some of the ways in which you found meaning or support to carry on?

Before I had my physical realization, I had made two trips to India. This was a bold move on my part. The first time I went to a retreat. The second time was to build on and renew things I had seen or observed in my first trip.

Spiritually, these journeys enabled me to learn the tools to help develop my meditation skills.

In addition, I used Reiki. Ironically, it was administered by my former partner’s mother. I had counseling of course. As soon as I regained my strength walking was very helpful. That continues until now. I am still increasing my activities.

In all of my recovery, except for one friend who has been very supportive, I have been alone and felt alone in this process.

In addition to the energy work that I did, I recently started on a series of Bach Flower Essence Blends. There have been many issues that have come to the surface with each blend, but I am dealing with those issues. I can look back and see a positive change in my behaviour, my self acceptance and my approach to problem solving and other challenges.

9. How big a part did Spirit, Religion, or energy play in your decision-making?

10. Do you have any practical tips for creating/renewing meaningful life?

11. At what part of the process, was a support network part of your healing and how did it help?

12. Are you prepared to give voice to the idea that you have shown tremendous courage in facing these challenges head on? Please respond, rather than reply.

Comments, thoughts, messages are welcome

You have to live your own reality today

My conversation with Star was very moving. I appreciated her open honesty and the strength of will and determination that she has shown in her healing process. Utilizing all available resources, both traditional and non traditional has been a part of her recovery and finding what works may be tedious but rewarding.

Her desire to not see this as a personal punishment but rather an opportunity for spiritual growth is inspiring. As she continues on her healing journey we wish her all the success and happiness and peace of her endeavors.

Hierademater